When life is complicated

Life is messy, and it doesn't run smoothly.

Recently, I got a job. I've wanted it since February, and it's been available since then, I've just been looking for approval for going for it. I didn't get it, then I didn't get it and I didn't get it, and eventually I said "screw this" and went for it. I have it, and I love it. It will take over my life and it may ruin carefully cultivated friendships that I cherish. I already have to say "I can't, I'm busy," and this job has just taken every hour of spare time I had left. I do not care.

When you want something badly enough, you sacrifice some of the other things in your life to get it. You never know if it's worth it, and if it's not, you don't find out until it's far, far too late. My parents are dead set against it, but I have the support of most of my friends. The rest of my friends respect me enough to give me what they can before they have to tell my I'm wrong. I'm grateful, but worried. I know I only have so long until they can no longer stay quiet. I have decided to worry about that then.

What I get to worry about now is if I was right. Two days ago I wanted to hit this blog and start writing about the benefits of seizing the moment, going for what you want. I still believe that. One of my hate-to-love songs keeps showing up in my shuffle, persuading me to write that blog. My belief (or more accurately, non-belief) that things don't happen for a reason is being shaken. We can find meaning in everything, that doesn't mean that is one. Recently, though, things seem to be happening for a reason. Events from February seem to be explaining themselves, but even day to day things are working out. If I'm late, I arrive to find lectures cancelled, I'm early, I miss downpours of rain and I have 10 minutes extra to fix the computer that breaks inexplicably before my lecture. It's currently baffling to me. I went for this job, I've changed other areas of my life and I don't know if if I was right to do it. Cue panic.

Old friends are coming back. I'm not sure whether they are back to haunt me yet. I'm only just happily single, after months and months of guy, then depressingly no guy, then another guy and so on and so forth and an underlying theme of crushes who remind me of people I have known and loved and (for whatever reason) are no longer around. The friends I have now are friends who I can see myself calling up in ten years time to tell them about the new guy in my life, the new house, the new job, hell, even a baby, and I don't want to screw with that. Yet within a week, I have a new guy and, simultaneously, two old guys and three old friends all knocking on my door, and I don't know what to do. I'm seeing them all, but I'll be damned if I know what's going to happen afterwards. I can't walk out of these meetings wishing or wanting what I had this time last year, because it's why last year went so badly in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I want to see all these people, I want to see the friends whom I miss, whom I'm sure I will enjoy seeing, only to miss them when they are no longer sitting in front of me.

My degree is going well, I submitted all my essays on time, for the first time in a two semesters I have 100% attendance. I don't spend my time in the clubs, in the bars, in the rooms of my friends, with people whom encourage me to do stupid, irresponsible things. I will pass my degree, because I have to. It's what it's what I'm here for. I will not abandon my family, I will not leave my friends to walk away with nothing. And finally, for the first time it 10 months, I feel like this is not for nothing.

New job, old friends, good degree. Life is good.

I'm just spending my free moments - and they are few - wondering when the bottom is going to fall out of this. There are very, very few instances where I get more than a few days or relative peace and calm and a sweet life. I'm 5 hours in, and I know this can't last long. I think the message I will learn in a few days is "enjoy it while it lasts, because it can't last forever."

So go out, enjoy what you've got. Delight in your friends, enjoy the parts of your job that you can, and spend your free time the way that makes you happy, not in the way that you think you should. And when love comes along, ignore it, because your life will only get more complicated.

In all seriousness, life is messy, even when things are running smoothly. We need to enjoy what we have when we have it, because it will not last forever, but if we're lucky it'll last just long enough to make the crap worth it.