Big Brother's Indifferent Critic.

I do not watch Big Brother. I do not particularly like Big Brother. I do, however watch the launch. Every year, a group of people who's images will grace news-stands for the next 5 months (maximum) enter a "house" where their every move will be caught on film and broadcast to a pseudo-celebrity hungry public. I enjoy finding out whether or not the producers have managed to tap into a fresh stream of "talent." I'm always convinced they must run out of fame-hungry fools. I am always wrong.

So I watched the launch show, albeit a week late. And, because you didn't ask, my views on the housemates:

Freddie, you were very brave to take that hat off halfway through the night. You had awful hat hair. You were braver to actually wear the hat. It made you look like a twat.

Kris: "I'm better looking than I am clever." I would agree. Bear in mind, you ain't no picture.

Sophie: "What's the capital of Uruguay?" "U." Bless you, dear. Repeating a joke that is centuries old. And not joking. I'm sure you shall achieve your aim and be on the cover of FHM.

Davina had the best line of the night, about Noirin: "She kissed Russell Brand whilst dressed as a bunny. Join the club!"

Karly "dropped out of university after three weeks because it was full of weird people. Who wanted to learn things."What, pray tell, were you expecting?

Charlie, I'm going to like you. Your "least favourite word is Chillax." I announced this about myself on Insanity several months ago. You announced this to a significantly larger audience of over 8 million. Respec'.

"How sexy am I?" Siavash. I hate to break it to you. You look like you've been hit by a bus and shoved into a designer jacket.

Sree. You don't have friends, because they are sick of your arrogance. I sincerely doubt you have a fan club.

Sophia, you make a valid point. "Why would you want to be anything that doesn't require any braincells." This point is cancelled out by the fact you are appearing on Big Brother and the ridiculous amount of irritating screaming you did whilst entering.

Angel, my love. No. Just no. Entry to the house should not take 5 minutes. The booing you heard was because you were acting like an idiot.

Freddie. (again) I love the fact you kept saying "I'm from the countryside" because you assumed the housemates wouldn't know where Stoke is. It made me smile.

True to form, my favourite (Beinazir ) has already been evicted. Shame. She seemed wicked.